07 - Branch

Boston, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

The last day of the year and I know I have to write two letters: one in Spanish and the other in English. If my Catalan friends were unable to read Spanish it would be three, but they can read Spanish. There must be about two months or so since I have been thinking about this letter. My summary of the year have had always the last thought of the year that ends and the hope of the next one. It is possible that neither what passed in my life nor what I hope to live really happened. However, it is a good practice of trying to say something kind to all the people that I love.

Tomorrow it is possible to have two posts the one in English and another in Spanish. If I have enough time it is possible to have the Catalan, but it is going to be hard. At this moment I have a lot of things to think about, and a lot of things to do. My girlfriend is waiting in Madrid to be saved from the European taxes, even that she and the other friends I sent her with are from here. So, I have to save my bike from England and my tripods from Italy, because the Europeans think that I am importing things from America. We will see how it goes, and I hope it is going to be find.

Soundtrack:

"Bicycle Race." Queen.

"Bicycle Orgasm." (Explicit Images)

06 - Kitchen

Watertown, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

I have just arrived to Barcelona and I am thoughtful, really thoughtful. After a week in Mexico and with 1800Km (almost 1000 miles) there I have strange feelings. I mean, I had a great time with my family and the few moments with friends were nice. However, I felt and I have this feeling of not belonging. When I lived there I always thought that half of the things that the mass media said were if not false, they were just a little very little piece of everything. Perhaps, when I was there between what I lived and what I watch on TV it seems that they were different countries. Also, when the years pass by the links between friends and me have become less important. I have the all my life friends and some others that have become less and less near.

Life is like a kitchen because you can buy and use many tools to do a meal. It is a choice. I mean we can buy a special cutter to take out the potatoes skin or use a knife. It is possible to use a special spoon or use a normal one for the soup. So, the analogy with life is that we can choose. Some things, some people are important to us and we care to sustain a friendship or we left them behind. In Mexico, and that is the difference with Barcelona, I have many 'friends', in fact much more friends. In the end I just have contact with almost the same amount that I have in Barcelona. The real friends care about the other person and do the impossible to have contact.

I can be in a place and not see a friend. It is possible because I do not have time or because I do not want to have the time. The difference is that if I have time even if I have to cross the city or see them half hour is because I care. Ignacio went out from work and we met in a restaurant. I did late and he left. However, he came back to see me, and it was nice to have this kind of friend. He came back because he cares about me. It happened with Liz, Jacobo and some others. It was a choice between a giving a second from our life or not. That is what makes us matter.

As I said, we can choose between using a tool or not. To make things easy we can use a special one or we can complicate the things because it is the only option. In friendship I can do almost anything for my friends. Perhaps, in Spanish we have this phrase about "To put our hand to the fire for a person", it means that we trust a person. I trust my friends and I can do everything for the ones I care. I trust them and I know that if "I put my hands to the fire" for them, they are not going to let them burn. That is trust, that is love, that is friendship.


Soundtrack:

"Martika's Kitchen." Martika.

"Toy Soldier." Martika

 

05 - To Leave Behind

Ciudad de México, México. 2010

A few days ago I left Boston and it was hard. I really like what I live and what I achieve there. All this year has been a hard work with myself. I needed to be clean. I needed to forgive myself and to have a new beginning. The work has not ended, It is just the beginning. At this moment all my family is sleeping and I am writing. I have not seen all the people I like to but I have done everything to see them. One great thing that I have done is that I am still fighting to clean myself. I am trying to do the right thing even when it hurts, even when the one that is losing things is me. It is possible that I am going to leave behind many things, many people. The cost of my principles is higher than I thought, but I have to do it.

During last year I worked on my future. I worked to achieve what I am doing now, and I have pointed where I am going. If someone wants to fly with me, if some others have left the ship, or they are going to leave it, it is a shame. However, I am handling everything I want a do, all the things I want to gain in my future. Today I saw the big brother and he remind me when he told me about his change in his life 10 years ago. He was laughing at me because I said something about the pink paint buckle, and It is true I have to use it, I have to do everything to be the person I want to be with the attitude I want to have.

I was talking to my sister, and we said hard things. We are fighting and we are together. The only thing we have is ourselves and we know that we are going together always. Then, we can say what we think, we can be what we are and accept us forever. Maybe in other cases there is a denial. Maybe, there is an impossibility, but I am going to do what I think I have to and say the truth. It is a hard work and it makes me feel that I have my heart open and bleeding. However, I feel right, complete and prepare to change what I have to change to build my future life.

There are things that are hard to leave behind. Furthermore, these things harm my heart and soul in many ways, maybe because I put both on everything that matters to me. I care about my people and I want to be the "New Human Being." We always talk about changing as something has to happen outside ourselves. Indeed, we usually want to have the change for granted. It is not. The change begins with ourselves. We the people are the ones that have the individual opportunity of changing. I am changing myself, and I am going to do it.

Soundtrack:

"Wind of Change." Scorpions.

"Mentiras Piadosas." Joaquín Sabina.

"Ella y Él." Ricardo Arjona.

"Si Bastasen Un Par de Canciones." Eros Ramazzotti.

PS. All the songs have phrases that I love because they have meaning about my dreams.

04 - Gifts

Ciutadella, Menorca, Països Catalans. 2010

Wells, Maine, USA. 2010

Giving gifts is something special and there are special moments when gifts have special meaning. Christmas is for a lot of kids the season. Another one  is the birthday of a person. Finally, the one that I like the most and it is to say how important are some people to me. Giving gifts, friendship, and just the "I am here for you" are things that I like to do. Nevertheless, I have a problem because I can give anything, but it is very difficult to me to receive gifts, friendship and anything. Both giving and receiving are things that everybody needs to work on in order to have an environment of sharing.


The unexpected gift or the expected one are something that I like to see as a reflection of a persons gestures. It is amazing when a person that is not expecting something sees a gift. The lack of expectation and the moment when the people receive the gift are usually a light in the sight, a constriction that is physically unnoticeable but usually perceive with a little 'something' in the environment. The gesture of thankfulness and usually happiness is something I love to see. It is something that I feel as a great feeling of human love. That is the reason why I like to give gifts, the intimacy created between the person and me is the essence of sharing.

Today, in Tehuacan my nephews receive their gifts. They expected that but the children behavior is awesome, they usually show what grown up people do not: The deep feeling of joy. I have always enjoy their feeling of joy. I like it very much because I saw them part of their childhood with this feeling at their skin. There is not a need of a gift, but they need something that amuse them. My nephew Pau got this feeling one day when I was playing a song I made for him. He had these gestures that made me cry. The song was a gift for him and my sister and for me his reaction to the song was the best gift I have ever had.

My family ask me always what do I want as a gift. I never know what to ask. Usually what they propose me is something I have or I do not need. Every year I give gifts to myself, and I buy what I need so it is difficult to ask for a gift. Furthermore, my ex wife always said that I was a 'thankful dog' because I like everything and I use everything. The "Thankful Dog' is a brand of dog's soap against fleas. I have to say that I am like that, I thank everything. However the problem, or my problem is that I feel strange when someone give a gift. Maybe, I feel that I do not deserve it. I also do not open gifts in front of the person and it has given me some problems because people feel that I am not interested. I am interested, but I prefer to open gifts alone.

Last year was plenty of gifts to people I love and to myself. Books, gadgets, caps, cups, and some other things were part of the ones I gave. To myself I gave almost the whole year studying English, programming, a course in Harvard, the photography stuff, and so on. Now I gave just a few gifts at home, the main one was my presence here and I took, and I will take photos of all the family. Finally, I expect to give as a gift for my birthday a new job. It would be great to give me that. It is going to be also to see some people. It is a gift to say hello or goodbye, at least for one last chance. But possibly it is going to be the beginning of a new life. That beginning could be the best gift of my life. Next year is going to be hard, there are expectations and I would like to do it right and have the positive answers my new compass. Well, that is it. I like to give gifts in order to honor people I love, and it is difficult to receive because I have what I need and I have a personal problem with receiving. So lets learn to receive and continue giving, and the best gift is going to be to gain what I have worked for, and what I have been building during this last two years.

Soundtrack:

"Bachata Rosa." Juan Luis Guerra. 

"Juego Que Me Regalo Un Seis de Enero." Silvio. Silvio Rodríguez.

03 - Space's Letters

Bedford, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

There are many things that we cannot change. Almost all the things that are out of our hands are impossible to change. I read twice some emails that some people has sent me lately. Some are beautiful because they have this special property of recognizing something about the human's mistakes. I think that even that is difficult sometimes to see our mistakes from others sight it is important. The others emails were unpleasant. Maybe, it is the reason of the others sight. Mine and the others sight are bias and hurt. However, there is something to learn.

A few days ago I wrote an email to the people at the school in Boston. I have to recognize that it was a beautiful moment of my life. Furthermore, it had this peaceful feature that I needed. I suppose that it was also my personal situation. In the letter I talked about me as an uneasy person because I am a little rebel, but also about being rebel against my own foolishness. I try hard to improve myself and my stubbornness.

Words usually have no sense if there is no interest to read or heard them. Even though, the words are always important. A word had no meaning if we do not want to give it that meaning. Some Americans said about the letter that it had "kind words". That is the reason why I wrote the letter. To say how much I love them and enjoy my life there. My world is done with things that are usually as Sherry Turkle says on her book at "the other side of the screen." It is difficult to communicate things face-to-face because I capture a lot of information of the humans gestures, movements and it makes me nervous. With words I feel the same, but it has the essential difference of the coverage of the screen. So, I feel safer and it is easy to answer really thinking.

In this moment I am writing with my nephews, sisters, parents, and etcetera around. There are shouts, noise and many things that I am not very use to them. However, I try to be with them, maybe because I am not usually with them. I have to write to maintain my mind on shape,  to scape from things that I do not like, and finally because I need to communicate, say things, even knowing that there are no readers or the silent mob is reading.

One of this days I will continue my yearly letter to my world. To the people I love and that sometimes is impossible to be with them. Some of them do not trust me, some others love me. However, even when the war with some people has no sense and there is nothing to do or say I continue trying to pacify my environment. I cannot live in the middle of a war with the people I love because finally is a war with myself. The only thing to say is that I love them, and as I said in the letter to my teachers in Boston, I am a rebel, but I am a rebel against my own foolishness. It is the first and the only one that I can really change.

Soundtrack:

"Under the Bridge." Blood Sugar Sex Magic. Red Hot Chili Peppers.

02 - Imagination

Boston, Massachusetts, USA. 2010.

I was thinking about changing the language of the posts, but I thought I will continue in English. The reason is practice, I need to practice and try not to forget what I have learnt.

Now I am on my bed laying down before sleeping. I am in Morelia, my hometown. I am at my parents' house. The house they built for the family and at least I did not enjoy with them. When they finished it I was already around the Mexican world. It is nice to be here though.

Yesterday I arrived to Mexico after a long trip with delays and problems from Boston. I tried to contact my ex wife (or girlfriend after the years it was the same for me) and she told me that she was not interested in seeing us. As always I tried not just that, but knowing if she was doing well. I contacted a friend of her and the answer was also a rejection, in fact a more bitter than the one of my ex. I felt really annoyed, but I am done with that. My silly imagination about a peaceful friendship has finished and there is not going to be any more. I am done.

About my imagination I suppose that is silly because I think that adults have grown enough to understand the others to live in peace. My imagination and my hope are silly. Humans and adults usually are not enough smart to understand. A long time ago when I was a student of Communication Sciences I thought that the worst thing around communication were feelings. They do not let us think. They do not let us understand. They go out from the worst part of us and do the worst things to people. Any case is applicable: wars, divorce, friendship, and etcetera.

A few weeks ago I said to a friend that I would try to see my ex. It is like a duty about the 15 years of friendship that we had. My comment to him was that I was trying to do the things right. Then I had this rejection, the same that finished the relation. Talking to my mother she told me, "If there is not a problem or a fight when you broke up the human mind cannot justify it," She told me that it was something the psychologist said. Yes, it is possible that it happens like that. My imagination was silly though.

Finally, the only thing that last to do this year is to begin it saying the true. My true of course because is the only one I can talk about. There is a lot to do and there is no time. However, I want to do the right thing because a great amount of next year will depend on it. Glòria told me once that a lie and a half true are different. I disagree. My perspective is that a lie and a half true are lies. I do not want to live in a lie or saying half trues. I am changed. I want to create the new man that I want to be. This is the beginning.

Soundtrack:

"Perder para Encontrar." Benny Ibarra 

"Calaveras." Benny Ibarra (Feat. Lila Downs)


* Since the first record Benny has been a good reference of the Mexican pop. 

01 - A Broken Pause

Brookline, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

Brighton, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

We gave the last hug, the last kiss on the cheek, and we said goodbye to each other. In that moment we were breaking up. For me that day at the airport had begun the spread of nostalgia. In fact I saw how my own absences began to conquer both the city and I. Lala the woman with whom I had shared my life the last seven years was leaving Barcelona. She was going back to our hometown in Mexico. It was on that moment at Barcelona’s airport when I realized how I have lost my lighthouse many years before. After this everything helped me to decide, and brought me here to my ‘broken pause’ in Boston.

Barcelona was a dream since I finished my master seven years before. One day I had the opportunity to go back there. It was an unexpected dream that could be accomplished. When I came home and talked with Lala about it. I didn’t figure out how I broke something in our relationship. She was really upset and she said, “I don’t want a talk about it, ever.” Months passed. Finally, one day I convinced her to talk, and she agreed about my goal of going to Barcelona. I continued the process to get the work visa. However the six months that followed it were a ‘cold war’ between us. I couldn’t see anything else. I was completely blind.

Seven months later I obtained the permission to work in Barcelona. I was happiest as ever in my life. Hours later I arrived home and told her the news. “I was dreaming that you weren’t getting the visa,” she said. I felt the coldness of her words in my heart. From then on she got sad. She didn’t want to go. After my Birthday, we flew to Barcelona. My connections eased the arrival: A shared friend’s apartment was the first place, and a month later we were in another friend’s apartment just for us. However, everything was a huge discussion between us. Our relationship had died months ago in Mexico City. My selfish blindness about Barcelona crumbled down everything she cared about. She was completely attached to her family and our hometown.

Lala and her mother had a relationship of fear, love and neediness. One day I said, “I think this trip has helped you and your mom to do things freely.” Her mother was threatened as an ill person since she widowed. However with our move her mother had new wings and wanted to do things. For me, she was cured. Instead the comment was the worst insult I had ever said to Lala. She was depressed, and for me, either my work goals or the relationship problems took out my own depression. For the first time I went to a psychiatrist and took pills. Everything was improving on my side, but not for her. She has lupus, but until then it was under control. However, it went out. We were working to heal her, but as I noticed later it wasn’t enough. Among all the messes we were in I had a huge error. I cheated on her. Even though we tried to solve all our problems we couldn’t. Finally, a few months later we decided to break up.

The instants at the airport broke me completely. I continued almost one year alone, but I wasn’t sure about my goals. One day talking to my boss I realized the possibility of quitting and had a pause. By the end of the year I arranged my resignation. So the first months of 2010 I finished all I needed to have my ‘broken pause’.

I always dreamt about studying in the United States of America. So I came here to think about myself and reinvent me. Now I am in Boston with a lot of decisions to make: A PhD? Going back to Barcelona?, etcetera. I’m doubtful about almost everything. But now, in the middle of this moment I am in my ‘broken pause’ trying to clarify myself and have a new beginning. The one I realized I need since Lala and I said goodbye in Barcelona.



PS.1. I post this for two reasons: First, I have arrived to Mexico today and this ends the "Broken Pause" in Boston. Second, this is my explanation of the reason that took me to Boston, and now I have to wait the future's call.


PS.2. I was supposed to see Lala because even though we broke up I cannot understand how love can be transformed into hate. She said, "No."


PS.3. This text was written a long time ago. I had a 20 of 100 and I modified it. I do not know is represents my writing, but I left my heart on it.

PS.4. I  just have arrived to Mexico and is like when I wrote for 4 years an article about a Martian that lands here. I have the same feeling. I published the article in a Newspaper and in my first blog that I closed a year ago.

Soundtrack:

"Ella me Dijo que No." Las Consecuencias. Enrique Bunbury.

"Ayer me Dijo un Ave." El Nervio del Volcán. Caifanes.

22 - Myself and Me

Brighton Massachusetts, USA. 2010

I have half an hour before Charlie gets up to take to the airport. I was suppose to write in Catalan or Spanish but I prefer to do it in English. These are my last hours in Boston, so lets do an effort to write in English. This post also has the perfect number: 22. This number is my birthday day, and as I have been saying since 1998 after I found Ray Loriga's book Lo Peor de Todo, "I have chosen this date to go from the personal obsession through the public atrocity." In the book it was also my birthday in January 22nd, and the Isandlwana battle between the Zulus and the British. Besides, this number is also my uncle's number: Saint Charbel Majluf's lucky number. So, today I will write in English because the post is the 22nd.

I sent and email to my professors and staff at the school to say thank you. I also wrote a letter to Charlie, my host, to explain my experience in Boston. Now, that I have finished packing the luggage I will say that my experience here has changed me. I was with the wings broken and now I want to do something. I want to change my life and follow my dreams. Maybe, some people cannot move on from things that have happened. Maybe I have hurt someone and is something that is not going to forgive me ever. However, I have to continue, I have to give sense to my life. A few days ago I had dinner with Ann and I told her, "I will survive," and yes, I will. The problem that I saw later is that I do not want to survive anymore, I want to live, I want to have a plenty life and build my dream. It is difficult, there are many things to change and to learn, but I can do it just like I did it in Boston.

The Counting Crows have this song "Perfect Blue Buildings." It is depressive, but It showed me during this 15 years that I have to be one with myself and me. I have to build me as a whole and not as an ass hole. Then, I will work on that. I have opened my Pandora Box and I have to clean all the illnesses I have spread in myself. I have the cure, and the cure is to work hard and do little goals one by one. That is it. I have my little goals, and I will accomplish them.

Soundtrack:

Perfect Blue Buildings. Counting Crows.

Déjalo Ir. Benny Ibarra.

PS. 1. Thanks to all the people, you the people in America that have given me this beautiful time!

PS. 2 Love is something we cannot change from our hearts. We give it or we lose it!

21 - La Estrella

Revere Beach, Boston, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

Estoy en las postrimeras horas que viviré en Boston. Cómo sucede últimamente el sueño se me va como si el simple hecho de moverme lo hiciera huir. Las últimas semanas han sido intensas. Por un lado en varias de esas noches de insomnio en las que me ponía a escribir por la noche, salí a fumar a la terraza. Ahí vi durante noches distintas una cosa que me hizo mucha ilusión: Estrellas fugaces. Siempre se ha dicho que dan buena suerte.

Entre las despedidas, las estrellas y el cerrar ciclos me encontré con el corazón abierto de lado a lado y a punto de estallar. Aunque no lo parezca, siempre he sido muy sentimental y el miedo a que me hagan daño me ha hecho arisco, como a "la burra" del dicho. Aún quedan problemas por resolver, aún quedan días por hacer cosas, equivocaciones o recular en los errores pasados. Al menos continuar con mi visión de pese a mis errores quiero reconocer que a las personas que quiero no las pienso perder, así me tenga que tirar de un precipicio.

Desde hace tiempo la suerte no es un indicativo de mi vida. El trabajo, el dejarse la piel en cada cosa, el dejarse el corazón cuando se ama es lo que realmente me importa. Vine a Boston a curarme, a limpiarme del último accidente histérico-histórico. Parece ser que lo logré en gran medida, pero sobre todo parece ser que descubrí nuevamente lo que Ann llamó "Compass", la brújula de mi existencia. Quiero hacer un par de cosas muy específicas, he trabajado para ellas, pero esto no indica que las circunstancias lo permitan. Uno trabaja para que sucedan las cosas, pero no siempre se es responsable de que se hagan realidad. El control algunas veces está fuera de nuestras manos.

Ayer vi Black Swan con Nathalie Portman, además de ser una película que me gustó bastante, tanto la actuación como la música y los efectos. Lo más importante que saqué fue una pequeña frase: "El control no lo es todo, déjate ser libre para que realmente lo sientas." Pensé en cuántas veces, cuantas personas que conozco, yo incluido, queremos controlar las cosas. Es imposible, nos controlamos a nosotros y en algún momento explotamos. Me pasa a mí, le pasa a Ann, nos pasa a todos. El control sólo nos da tensión y la tensión tiende, como el agua, a buscar sus lugares de salida.

Cuando estaba en México intenté controlar lo que sucedía en el trabajo, quería tenerlo todo en mis manos. Troné. Me despanzurré totalmente y terminé en el hospital. En Barcelona pasó lo mismo, estaba intentando controlar mi vida y la vida de pareja, pero al final también troné y la pareja tronó. Yo me quedé totalmente deshecho. En el camino me quité algunas otras ataduras, me fui sintiendo más libre, sin control era más libre. Vine a Boston y aunque siempre uno tiende a controlar cosas, fui bastante libre. Aprendí a no controlar lo incontrolable. Aprendí a ver a las personas desde lejos e intentar simplemente estar ahí, si te necesitan. Dejé el control.

No sé si todo esto en el fondo ha solucionado totalmente mi vida. La vida es larga, pero sus momentos pequeños. Imagino que habrá cosas que mejorarán y otras que no tanto. Me gustaría amarrarme a mis objetivos, dicen que la esperanza es lo último que se pierde. Creo que estoy preparado para tomar seriamente las riendas. Esas riendas implican cambios, modificaciones, pérdidas, pero la vida siempre está cambiando y hay que asumir el cambio. El día de las estrellas fugaces pensé que esos instantes de belleza habían sido míos. Eso es lo que valía la pena, no la suerte, no el tiempo que estuvieron, sino el hecho de que yo las vi y se quedaron en mi corazón.

Soundtrack:

Como Quien Pierde a Una Estrella. Alejandro Fernández.

Trátame Suavemente. Soda Stereo.

No. Fijación Oral I. Shakira

20 - Unforgettable Dream

Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

A few weeks ago I was chatting about the truth and the realities of my life. Even though I did not feel confident I said what I had to say. There are a few things I value about people: honorableness, trustfulness and feeling a deep sense of friendship. That day I felt how the lies were around the chat. It was awful for me, but I continued. Sometimes the only thing that I have is the "unforgettable dream" of trusting the other.

Weeks before that I was in a class and we were discussing about the concept of truth. I became with a description that fits, and it is: Truth are facts that anyone can prove. After that I commented this, and someone asked me about god. It was not a hard question, it was maybe a tricky one. My answer was that my description included god in two ways. On one hand there was the possibility of proving that god exists. Many people will argue that is impossible to do it. On the other hand, there is the option of proving facts to ourselves. I mean if we believe and we have the feeling or the proves that for us god exists, then it is truth. It looks like a trick, but it is not. In my case, I do not believe because no one has stopped to teach me, people just try to convince or persuade me, not to teach me.

What I felt on that chat was this intangible lack of confidence. I felt that the other side was not being honest. Some people can say that my feelings or perceptions are not accurate. Others may say that "assume" makes an ass of you and me. However, as Enric, Ignacio and some others say about me I have this strange sense about things: I notice things about people, I perceive actions, gestures or forces that make me feel uncomfortable or supportive. Usually people lie or do not like to say openly what is happening. I asked and they usually showed off or get mad at me. Finally, some of them understand that they cannot hide some things from my perception.

I had this strange feeling the day of the chat. Something was missing. There was this vacuum between us. I felt strange about the other person and it reminded me when I was working in Mexico and my boss was seeing me with this face of support, but he was not paying attention and he did not care about. Both times I felt this abysmal difference between feeling trustfulness and having a lack of anything. My unforgettable dream is that even when I open my heart and the others are untruthful I believe that they are going to change. They never do it, but I believe and that is my unforgettable dream.

Soundtrack:

"Weapons of Love." Weapons of Love. The Truth.

"Don't Feel Bad." The Havalinas

"Love Song." The Sweet Keeper. Tanita Tikaram

  

19 - Windows 2.0

Watertown, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

A long time ago I read Gabriel García Márquez' book Love in Times of Cholera and there was this part that said something like, "My heart, that is a prostitutes' place, has a special room just for you with a window where you can see the sea." I do not know if the translation is accurate but the image of a special room where you can lay down and see the beach and the sea is magic. I love that Image because in my heart there are many little rooms that belong to my people. The people I love.

The images above are different moments of my bedroom window. There is this amazing view of dawn, and the light every morning has awaken me. It has been marvelous to have it. However, the meaning of these pictures has an owner. Each of them belong to someone here in Boston. These are the windows that they have in my heart and if they open it they can be free, they can dream and they can enjoy the best thing that they like. This is what I have for them: a dream.

Now, it is time to leave Boston. Now, I have to figure my life out. I have to build, to wait, to dream, and love. Furthermore, I have to go out of this life alive. It is a dream were all my people are laughing. Next week I will see my family, and they will be happy. I want to see my grandmother, my aunts, sisters, parents, nephews, and etcetera. I know that when we are together they have their window in my heart, they can see through me how much I love them, and how much they represent in my life.

After Mexico I will go to Catalunya. My lovely little country is waiting for another time. I will be there and is going to be awesome. I will do things, have mistakes, and do anything to be happy. My dream is done, what I want to do is located in my compass. I just have to do it.


This windows belong to my people in America, México, and Catalunya.

Soundtrack:


"Tú." El Azul de Tu Misterio. Jaguares.

"Barcelona." Muhel

"Huapango." Sinfónica Nacional de México. Jose Pablo Moncayo.

18 - Tornar al Born

Brighton, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

One of the last things that Jana told me before coming to Boston was a Catalan saying, "Roda món i torna al Born." The translation is "Go and see the World and come back to the Born." In Catalan is a rhyme, and 'El Born' is a neighborhood in Barcelona. Now, it is time to go back.

I was thinking about this year and I realize that it was a good one. It have helped me to figure out my goals, and to begin to build them. Even though, I have had many mistakes, but as I said to Ann, "People who do things have mistakes. People who do not do anything do not have mistakes." I do things. The name of one of Pablo Neruda's books is "I confess that I have lived" and it is a reality. I have lived and I have had mistakes. I also hope to have more because I am in movement, I am doing things though I will have more mistakes. It is nice to be in motion but not to have mistakes.

The other day I began to write the 'Goodbye Letter' to my American friends. Now, I just have read Su's letter about what have happened to her this year, and the wishes that she is asking to the Kings of Near East. Every year I write a letter, in fact originally I wrote it and send it before the New Years Eve, but a few years ago Jacobo wrote one saying, "I begin this year writing because it is what I like to do and I begin the year doing what I like." Even though, I begin the letter before I finish it on January 1st and I send it this day. It is what I like to do: to write and care about my friends and Family. So, I begin writing and saying "hello" to my friends.

One of these days I have to begin writing the letter. Usually I write it in Spanish, because both my Mexican and Catalan friends can read it. However, this year I must write one in English. My "extended family," I mean my friends in America mostly just speak and read English. I care about them also, though I will write a special letter for them.

Today was a great day. I received the news that possibly on January 2nd I have a job interview. This means that I will probably have a job just arriving to Barcelona. I am happy about it because my "cows are getting thinner and thinner." I need a job to survive. The best of this is that Su, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, is responsible of it. The last many years since we met in Mexico she has been a friend, a sister, and a lovely company even when my life was crumbling down.

What a friend can do for us, what our family and our extended family can do for us, is something that always startled me. It is very nice to know that you can trust them, and then can trust you. The other day I was saying that when I ask a favor for a friend of mine is because I care and I trust that person. Furthermore, as we say in Spanish, "I can put my hands over the fire for them," and what is more important in my case is that I know I am not going to burn my hands. My friends and my family are trustful, and I know that they are not going to let me down ever.

Soundtrack: 


"Ode to my Family." Cranberries.

"La Playa." La Oreja de Van Gogh.

"Best Friends." Stephen Lynch (Explicit Lyrics ;-).

"My Friends." Red Hot Chili Peppers.

"Amigos." Enanitos Verdes.

17 - Right Thing

Brighton, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

There is a phrase that I like about the American history: "We the people." It talks about these people, the Americans. But, as always I have to have a broader view. "We" is something that has always to include us all. The problem usually is that when we think about "We" there are some others that are out of it. I must recognize as I did a few weeks ago that when I try to be out of groups, when I talk about not being part of groups I am segregating. This thought is tough because humans essentially are individuals, and as an ontological concept being an individual segregates all the others. However, the issue here is about the right thing.

Yesterday I gave as a gift a great book with some conferences by Doris Lessing. The book is Prisons We Choose to Live Inside. The main point of Lessing is about the mob's interests, the group interests against the individual point of view because that one makes or criticizes the groups cohesion. We all belong to some groups or support some groups. This fact obligates us to segregate others.

One of the examples that I always use is the Catalans' identity. I am a supported of it, and a lot of people criticize me because I am not Catalan. On one hand I always say to Spaniards that I come from an independent country, I mean Mexico, and my country got its independence from Spain. Catalans, Basks and anyone can ask for their independence. However, there are some points that I disagree with either Spaniard and Catalan identity. It is when both of them go to the extreme and segregate or denigrate the others right. In Mexico something similar happens when we have the Native Mexicans and the Mexican identity, or when we have the Mexican status quo and the Naco identity. Both also denigrate the other.

People can justified with Franco, Hitler, Bin Laden, and etcetera their defense or support of their identity, but what if we just try to include us all. Lets get rid of the differences that apart us from the other and share. There was a story that involved the Avi Ton, my best friend's grandfather  in Catalonia. One day Avi Ton was talking to a person from Castilla, they were chatting as friends about the Spanish Civil War. They were on their 80's and they were sharing things one in Catalan and the other in Spanish. In the end they realized that 60 years after that they were fighting each other. One in the Nacionals side and the other with the Republic. They laugh because at that moment the war did not have any sense. They were old and they were friends.

I remember the story of a Serbian guy that said, "I am fighting the people that were my friends and neighbors all my life. It has no sense." My question is: Is there any little chance to include us all? There is a song that I like because says, "In this world there is more religions than happy children." We can put it in terms of identities, ideas, religions, political views, and we will arrive to the same problem: Differentiation from the other is something that harms and hurts the other.

Soundtrack: 

"Jesús es Verbo no Sustantivo." Ricardo Arjona.

"Buenas Noches Beirut." Git.

"Brothers in Arms." Dire Straights.

"Round Here." Counting Crows.

"Nada Particular." Miguel Bosé (Live in Mexico).

"La Belleza." Miguel Bosé (Live in Mexico). Original Luis Eduardo Aute (Live in Cuba)

16 - Erin's Story of Jim

Boston, Masschusetts, USA. 2010

Somewhere between Boston and Cape Cod, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

Cape Cod, Masschusetts, USA. 2010

On his travel to Spain, just a few weeks before his dead, Jim Morrison went to Valencia. There, in a little town he saw the people's fight. Jim was almost a hippie, but this war was fun: tons of tomatoes in the little town, and the people laughing in the meantime they were throwing each other tomatoes.

He remembered his childhood near the snow joking with his family. His parents censured him. However, all people know that children are capricious and usually continue with their games and jokes until someone is hurt. The tomato war made him smile, and without thinking or perusing, he took some tomatoes and participated in the fight.

That night he tried to take the bus. The driver demur was, “Oh, lazy hippie. You are going to make us smell your tomatoes. We don’t want you.” Jim answered a little angry, “I don’t care. Take me to Donostia. I have a ticket and I have a right.”

Next day he was walking in the city walking. Jim, even that he was rude and used drugs, was a connoisseur of the world. He noticed easily that there were similarities between Donostia and Paris. Jim also heard some people talking Euskera and he thought, “Bask people are esoteric. They use a language without roots, without a way to analyze it, without the knowledge of where and when it was created.”

Morrison left Donostia and went to Paris. He was not an eloquent person when he was on drugs. However, Jim was famous and well known in certain cities of the world. Paris was one of these cities, and nobody censured him there. Neither his actions nor his words were censured. A few days later he was found dead in Paris.

Jim was buried there in the lighting city. There six feet under Sarkozy’s soil there is crazy guy trying to throw tomatoes to Karla Bruni. Dead people could not escape from their last place. Although in a story, in a film, and in Erin’s dreams everything even a blasphemy can happen.

Soundtrack:

Foxy Lady. Kronos Quartet.

Lullaby. Kronos Quartet.

Requiem for a Dream. Kronos Quartet

* The story was created during a GRE class with Alyssa Erin Brown. She said, "This was absorbing and bizarre." I think is my mind just expressing the possibilities of invention.

** The first time I played Kronos Quartet at work they almost kicked me out. 

15 - Bite the Oblivion

Brighton, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

It is strange that after a long time in a place when the moment arrives to leave many things fit together. My "negro" said that to me a few months ago when I was leaving Barcelona. It always happen that things begin to work in a way that before was almost impossible. The problem is that in many cases the person is leaving. There is no tomorrow. The time has ended.

A few weeks ago I proposed to do the photos of the people at the school. Some of them told me if it was a special project for my photography school, but it was not. I thought that it would be a good mark to do this work, as it was the last thing to share with the people I met here. Finally, in the meantime I have been doing this job, a totally personal job, some people have asked me to take some pictures of them or of some things they do. That things begin to fit and I love it because it makes me feel proud, but it also makes me feel sad because is the end.

One of my sisters, Andrea, told me a few days ago about some photos that she needs to publish a book. I search what she told me she needed and she liked some of the photos. I feel great that the photo is working by its own, without any pressure, without any problem.

A friend here, Joanne, told me that me that maybe I can let the PhD aside and work doing photos. Yes, it is a possibility, but I think that I need more things. So, I will work on both.  Furthermore, I want to be happy and do the right thing. The people that have believed in me deserve at least an explanation. I have to do a lot of things next year looking for my happiness. Maybe I have to change everything that I am, maybe this is the moment to build what makes me happy, what makes me feel loved, and what makes me dream.

The question that I do to myself is: What can I give and leave behind to be happy? I can give and leave almost anything. I can begin with my heart...

Soundtrack:

Broken. Lifehouse.

Fotografía. Jumbo.

PS. During the photos of my teachers Alex did what you see in the picture. She looks really nice and strange.

14 - MIT Words

Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA. 2010

The last 9 months I used them to clarify myself and draw a path. Now, I am done. I know what I want and finally today I went to buy waterproof pants in the middle of a little storm. I passed in front of the MIT's library. For the second time during this month I saw this sculpture. It is similar to the one that they created at Zaragoza, Spain, during the water fair, two years ago. I wanted to have a picture of this one because it is the dream. 


I want to do a PhD. I want to research about the influence of computers, mobile phones and other technologies have on our society. The MIT is the place to do it. It is possible that I will do it. Then, my life is going to have a challenge, a real one that I want to achieve because I know I can do it. 


Boston is a great city. I have found great people and my own vision has changed about America and other things. There is also the A that like a unconscious reflection has appear in the photos. I have just realize that is there. Even though is a sort impossible dream I think I want a do it. I think there is this small, almost nonexistent chance of building something and transform myself. It is the dream, and in Mexico we say that the last thing that we can loose is hope.


Soundtrack:


"Hope." Jack Johnson.


"I Know You Know." Esperanza Spalding.


"Próxima Estación: Esperanza." Manu Chau

* The pictures were taken with the Olympus Tough 8000.